I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
