I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
