I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
