I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You need Xanax blowdarts
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
