Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
