Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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