ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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