Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we made out on top of his cat.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
