I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
