i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
