I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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