I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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