Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
