i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
