Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
