i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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