maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
