Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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