I wish I only lived at night.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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