just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
