My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
