I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
