Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
