im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Acid is not a monday night drug
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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