my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
