I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
