she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
