Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
