My liver just broke up with me...
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
