My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
