OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
