I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
