hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
