i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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