Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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