did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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