I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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