corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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