if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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