there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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