i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I AM VODKA MAN
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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