I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
