so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
