just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
