im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
