everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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