This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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