If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
