This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
