WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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