I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
