have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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