I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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