someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
